This Blog Has an Ending!

And a happy one at that.

This happened:

Then this happened:

Which ultimately led to this happening:

My sweet, healthy rainbow baby arrived February 7, 2014 and he has already healed me in so many ways.  He gave us a scare there at the end and was born a month early via c-section due to tachycardia. I'm happy to report that he is both beautiful and completely healthy despite his rough start....I am over the moon in love with him!

Meet Benjamin:

I hope every person reading this blog and going through infertility, loss, or both has their own happy ending someday.  

Never lose hope.

Prelude to One

How is it that I miss you?
I never even knew
the color of your eyes
the feel of your heartbeat
the softness of your breath
But I do.

I miss you.

363 days later.
Yes, I've counted
Almost a full year
and it still hurts.

Still...

Still.

I've come to learn to
hate that word.

You were more than that.
More than still.
You kicked.
You hiccuped.
You twisted and turned
in protest.

You fought.

Hard.

Until you couldn't anymore.

I felt your last, soft
almost lifeless
little kick.
363 days ago.

And it still hurts.

Maybe not as often,
But it's more than just a
tender ache
The way I imagined it would be
By now.

I miss you.

And it doesn't seem to matter
that I never knew you.

Even though your tiny fingers
never closed around my own

I still knew you as my own.

My precious daughter,
Holly.

Your mother loves you so.

TTC After a Loss

I'm not 100% sure what to type here, as that title is very....heavy....but it's what came to me as I sat down to type to the vast unknown tonight.

Trying to conceive after a loss.  Just the first part of that brings its own fair share of craziness with temping, charting, opks, timing and always hoping that THIS month is THE month.  If you don't know what most of those things are or what trying to conceive really entails (other than just "doing it"..heh), consider yourself very lucky.  I know I would.

I've done all of those things and more (and personally think the fertility monitor is a complete waste of money, for anyone wondering) throughout the almost 8 years of our marriage.  There have been fertility doctors and surgeries, talk of drugs and the distant possibility of IUI or IVF.  I've managed to conceive twice and, ironically enough, both times were completely unexpected.  I guess I'm just one of those people for which the old adage "it'll happen when it's supposed to" really must ring true.  As annoying as that is (I'm not the most patient person with this whole baby-making business), there are times when a person on the path of infertility....or sub-par fertility, as the case may be....has to just learn to let go and have faith.  And hope.  And, most of all, patience.

That's where I am today.  Trying to conceive, in and of itself, doesn't make me too crazy.  It's the "after a loss" part that really makes it...suck, for lack of a better term.  And I'm now at the point (after only 9 cycles of this madness) where I've had enough of trying.  Each month of trying leads to disappointment, and that disappointment is always heavily shadowed by what should have been.

And what should have been would have been so much nicer than what the last 9 cycles have given me.

What should have been would almost be one year old.

It's hard to think of life that way, and I'm sure I'm not doing my mental faculties any favors by doing so, but that's the reality of me trying to continue to cope with the loss and with the fact that another baby just might not be in the cards.

I actually had a positive pregnancy test - 3, in fact - this last cycle and was thrilled that, finally, I could start making plans for another little one.  Only, the tests magically turned negative shortly thereafter and I was left with a huge feeling of disappointment.  Whether I had a chemical pregnancy - basically where a fertilized egg begins to implant but the body rejects it or the process is interrupted for whatever reason - or simply had false positives, I'll never know.  All I know is that it was the final blow for me and, at this point, I have decided to redirect my energies.

So, I'm no longer "expecting a belly."  Am I hoping for one?  At some point, absolutely.  Maybe it'll happen this month, maybe in a year, maybe never again.  Dimas and I love each other, so that love could definitely haphazardly make a baby (we've managed to do it before, God knows how or why it worked out that way both times)...but life goes on, baby or no baby, and I am forced to focus on the things that ARE.

Like my horribly not-flat stomach and overall weakness and weird-lookingness from not exercising in for-ev-er.

And our upcoming move to Texas.

And Halloween.

And, most importantly, my now 3 year old who I absolutely couldn't live without.  He is truly a Godsend and brings me more joy than I ever thought possible.  I'm going to start yet another blog about his general growing up-ness and my hopes and trials (with lots of errors, I'm sure) at both parenting him and (possibly, hopefully) homeschooling him....at least throughout the preschool years.

So that's that, I suppose.  We'll see what the future holds when it gets here (it likes to take its time..what's up with that?).  I'd like to end with the VERY first non-preschooler song that Ever memorized and randomly sang the chorus to today:

"atchoo Baaaaby"
something "NUMBER!"
"Call me maybe!"

I can't blame him.  It's a catchy tune. :)

Post-Operative!

So, I think I'm finally done with all my medical junk for the time being.

I had my post-op appointment with the fertility folks in Phoenix on Monday, and it went swimmingly.  Dr. Awesome went over all my pathology results and bloodwork results - I am apparently disease-free and my uterus stuff is all kinds of benign.  So I couldn't be happier.  I did have a real-life, actual polyp - only it wasn't as large as we thought.  Still, the doc said it could've affected implantation and he's hopeful for all of our trying to conceive endeavors.  He gave me the green light to try this month, and said we should seek further care in San Antonio around October/November if it hasn't happened naturally.  Hoping we won't need to, especially since we won't be able to....

Then, YESTERDAY, I had an excisional breast biopsy, which is all part of the much-ado-about-nothing medical junk I've been dealing with.  The breast surgeon isn't concerned at all, but I moved forward with taking the darn lump out so I never have to worry about it again.  (She took out a lump with some surrounding tissue.)  My post-op is next week and I'm really not worried at all.  Just a little scared to remove the bandage from the ol' boob this morning and see the damage.  It hurts a bit, but nothing major.  It was pretty weird hearing "snipping" going on in my breast, though.  Never wanted (or needed) a breast reduction. =P

Still dealing with the moving stuff.  The yard sale was an absolute success - we made over $400!  Still have some left-overs that I'm either trying to sell on craigslist or going to donate.

Oh my God, this is so boring.

Until next time!  Ever's doing great, by the way.  Although, and maybe this is typical 3-year-old behavior, he's becoming just a little bit more.....mean.  He'll say things like "I don't like you" or "No, go away."  Which is pretty unlike him.  I realize that I say "I don't like THAT" a lot when he, you know, does something I don't like, so maybe I need to reword.  Shrug.  These little ones are tricky and, while I love this new personality he's gaining, it's also sad to be leaving his 100% sweet self behind.

Sigh...

Projects & Other Goings-On

Well!
There is, without question, a LOT going on in our lives right now:
1 - Upcoming move to our hometown of San Antonio (end of Sept - not much time!)
2 - Move requires moving from an 1800 sq ft to a 900 sq ft house
3 - Which requires getting. rid. of. lots. of. stuff.  Half of our belongings, even.
4 - So, yard sale.  Obviously.
5 - This weekend.  Yikes!  Not prepared.
6 - To keep from having to do all the dreaded yard sale prep work, in addition to all the usual daily duties, I decided to take on this project instead:

It's a child-size dresser and I fell in love with it the moment I saw it!  I have no idea what final outcome I have in mind for it, but I'm thinking blue and boyish all around.  While small (which is exactly what we need for our soon-to-be-new-home), it is solid wood and HEAVY.  The price tag didn't hurt, either:

This is his current dresser (which is nice and I would love to keep it for our room, but alas, it's just too much furniture at the moment) that we bought the new one to replace:

Gosh, the more I look at it, the more I want to keep it.  It has drawer track issues (as in, they aren't currently there and I've been too lazy to do anything about it), and the last person who refinished/stained it made some interesting choices (drawer front appears to be upside down and such), but it still has lots of potential.  Ah well, in the yard sale it goes.  Hoping to get our $35 back and use it to purchase something when we get where we're going. :)

ANYWAY, here's my progress thus far (not much, but I couldn't wait to start)!

1 - Appease 2-year-old who REALLY wanted to see a picture of his own tongue.

2 - Inspect/Clean whatever all that gross stuff is. I found some small dings and chips, but I'm going to wait until the paint is off before I go off and buy any wood filler/putty/whatever. I'm thinking it'll be okay. At this point I started worrying that I was dealing with wallpaper removal.









3 - Only contact paper - whew! Peeled it all off and wiped down the dresser thoroughly. I'm still not sure if I'm going to sand or strip it.




 4 - Remove drawers and contemplate whether I should just use it as a bookshelf/toy shelf because it would be really cute! 












5 - Find receipt from 1985 behind one of the drawers.  So it's at least that old.









My next step is to remove the hardware and move forward with the removal of paint.  I'm leaning towards stripping it (though I've never used and am pretty deathly afraid of paint stripper), because the paint is laid on thick....who knows how many different colors are underneath.

FYI, I'm using this tutorial for all of my furniture painting endeavors:

http://romantichome.blogspot.com/2007/08/painting-furniture-step-by-step.html

For Ever's dresser, I'm going to leave out the distressing part and probably go with a polyurethane sealer rather than wax.  Toddlers are known for their innate ability to destroy everything, so I figure a little extra protection couldn't hurt.

MEANWHILE, THIS......

Yet another project.  This one's half-finished, as I'm waiting for the paint to cure at least 48 hours before sanding it and distressing it a bit.  It's a bookshelf that I bought for $10 and we use it in our living room to hold various video game consoles.  I REALLY want to go for the shabby chic look at our new place, and since this will be a fixture in our living room for the forseeable future, I figured it would be a good/easy starting point.  It was originally a dark espresso color and the previous owner's dog had chewed one of the legs up a bit, hence the low price.  Now that it's sanded/painted the bite marks are all but gone and I think it's going to look great once all is said and done! 

We shall see.  I'm definitely no expert, but I'm learning as I go and enjoying the process.  Painting is NOT my forte, but I think I'm doing a decent job even so.

Now to figure out exactly how to pain Ever's new dresser.  His room is a disaster at the moment, but it's space-themed and I'd like the dresser to be a nice addition without looking overly "busy."  Here's one of his walls - with the Moon in My Room and a piece of "art" I made for him recently.  Saw this on etsy:  http://www.etsy.com/listing/69313596/space-art-i-love-you-from-here-to?ref=sr_gallery_1&ga_search_query=i+love+you+from+here+to+jupiter&ga_order=most_relevant&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=ZZ&ga_min=0&ga_max=0&ga_search_type=all
and it was $20 JUST for the 8.5 x 11 inch sheet of paper, so I made a similar one myself using Word.  It cost like 30 cents to print out at Office Max and the frame was $8 at Ross.  So, overall, I'm pretty happy with it. :)

Stay tuned for the final results!  Or, you know, don't.  Whichever. :)



Also

This picture:

and this bit of news:

http://news.yahoo.com/mars-rover-curiosity-nears-break-landing-attempt-002742981.html

make me wish I worked at NASA.

Don't they look so ridiculously happy?  I hope they all hung out and had some awesome, nerdy fun after work.

Updates!

So, I haven't exactly been keeping up with this thing, but what else is new?  Considering I'm already in a new cycle (cycle day 3, as a matter of fact) I figured I should just recap the goings-on and go from there.

My surgery came and went and was not that big of a deal.  I don't even have a funny anesthesia story, so there really isn't much to say about it.  Except, oh yeah, there was no giant polyp in my uterus as previously mentioned to me by a previous fertility doctor who shall not be named.  There was a tiny "something" that maaaaybe was a polyp, but basically the whole surgery was sort of pointless.

Bah humbug.

But at least now I don't have to wonder and worry that if I get pregnant again, there's some weird alien growth trying to give my future hypothetical baby a hard time.  There's not.  It's been decided.  By cameras and stuff.

I stopped birth control and got extremely annoying for about 24 hours, where all I wanted to do was sit around, complain and just generally lament the fact that I had become a big old ball of bloat.  Seriously, even my feet swelled.  Hormones continue to be the weirdest.  I should've taken a picture. 

Instead, you get to see this:

This is me, hating my hair and all that it lays flat for.

In other, less obvious news, I cut my own hair last week.  With fabric shears.  Interestingly enough, you can not tell at all (and I cut a bunch of the suckers off) and, for whatever reason, I kind of love it.  Google "how to cut your own hair + ponytail" and you'll get an idea of how ridiculous I looked during the whole thing.  I am going to continue the craziness until it's a decent length.  I used to wonder, during my younger years, why most moms had short hair. 

It's because of this:

I really have to start taking pictures for this thing.

What else?  Well, we're getting ready to move to our hometown of San Antonio, Texas so there's a TON of what else's going on around here.

I'm selling about 60% of Ever's toys (omg, the poor child, I'm the worst mother ever, etc, etc).  But, seriously, he doesn't even notice.  I sold his train table today and he helped me walk the lady to her car with it and just said, "Thank you, byeee."  So sweet.  Who needs toys, anyway?  I still have a ton to either sell or donate, so there's a yard sale in our immediate future.  Boooooo.

Picture of a bunch of crazy toys we're selling:





Oh!  I also decided that I wanted to take up body-building because, hey, I don't always have to be poor little, weak little Crystal, right?  I want to be strong!  And fit!  And feel awesomely healthy!

This decision was followed by another, better decision the following day.  This is where I decided that body-building was horribly confusing and somewhat disgusting (5 egg whites a day, really?) and would be better left to the professionals.  I think I might start walking, though.  Or something.

That's all for now!