Goodbye, Tucson. For Now...

     Ever and I are back home (again) from Tucson.  There was a lot of back and forth for awhile there, but we're both happy to be home.  Ever's curled up on the couch after his bath, holding his Dry-Dry (security blanket....very Linus from Peanuts looking thing).  I'll have to make a post about that thing someday.  It definitely has personality.

     Some highlights of the last few days, because I like writing into nothingness to no one in particular:

Got Holly's grave marker all ordered and paid-for-like!  I stayed up until 1am designing one, and when I went to the cemetery the next morning they were all...."Ummmm......sooooo.....here's this book with pre-made designs that....ummmmm....you have to choose from.  Did I say 'have to'?  Ha ha ha, silly me, I meant 'can,' but, ummmmm........just choose from the book, k thanks."  Even doing that took 2 hours and cost $700.  Tax refunds are helpful for these things, says the typical American family.  I don't.  I say, "why does a piece of rock with some words have to cost so much?"  A smaaall piece of rock.  Maybe someone can enlighten me on that one.  It wasn't everything I would've hoped for, but I think it will be okay.

     Hmmm...Ever is convinced that this here red crayon is blue.....color blind much??  Normal mother fears, I'm sure.

    We also went to the Children's Museum, where Ever did not want to have any pictures taken and barely managed a smile the entire time we were there.  Still, I took pictures and think he had an okay time:

     Oh, crap.  THOSE pictures are on my phone.  Which has limited ability to do anything cool, like upload pictures to anything, especially to a blog.  And I have no idea where my small-s-card-holder-that-can-actually-fit-my-phone's-tiny-card-into-my-computer-thing is.

     Here's a rug that I'm making out of t-shirts, instead:

     That is officially all I have for the moment.  I will probably never finish that rug, either.

There's This One Thing

     It's called fear.  Not just regular old fear, either.  ANXIETY.  I have it.  And I hate it.

     Anxiety usually shows itself to me in the form of fear of driving.  Namely, fear of driving really, ungodly fast on highways where there are no exits for like 10 miles straight and nowhere to pull off andOHMYGODTHERECOULDBEBRIDGESOR <quick breath>TUNNELSICAN'TDOOOOTHIS!

     Also known as, "Oh, hell no.  I am not driving."  It's actually somewhat debilitating and pretty embarrassing, but that's my brain for you.

     My brain:  Yeah, it's just, you know, I can only work with what I'm given.  *Sips her coffee*


     So, today Ever was feeling particularly cranky in the Tucson hotel and just wanted to come home.  (Turns out his fever, which is now gone, has given way to a pretty gnarly case of diarrhea.  More on that later).  I have not driven alone on a highway for a few months, and the last time I totally had a panic attack.  Started sweating, heart pounding, the whole deal.  I made it home, but I vowed to never do THAT again.

     But, there's this child who changes my plans from time to time.  I knew Ever had to come home and that I had to be the one to bring him.  Dimas has all these work-related things to attend to.  Like work, for instance.  So, I put on my big-girl pants (which today happened to be size 4 skinny jeans) and drove us home.

     I'm really not ashamed to admit that I prayed.  I prayed to get Ever home safely.  I prayed for peace, comfort and strength.  I imagined these cool, determined guardian angels surrounding the mini-van.  I even turned the radio to a christian station, for good measure.  And....I don't know how else to explain it other than to say that it friggin' WORKED.  I felt calm and happy and at peace and light as a feather and I could've driven on forever.  I drove like 65 the entire way and I'm sure everyone commented about how much I completely suuuuuck at driving and should really just stay home.  But, in the end, Ever is home safely and I managed to make it happen and I'm stupidly proud of myself.  And thankful.  Definitely that.

     But, there are gross things afoot now.  You go and get yourself a potty-trained toddler and then their intestines decide they want to expel everything, like, ASAP...NOW.  NO, I CAN NOT HOLD IT AND NO I DEFINITELY AM NOT GOING TO SIT ON THE POTTY TO DO THIS HERE THING.  ALSO, I WILL TOUCH WHATEVER HAPPENS TO COME OUT FOR GOOD MEASURE.  HAND-WASHING IS, duh, OBVIOUSLY REVOLTING AND I WILL FIGHT YOU TOOTH AND NAIL, WOMAN, TO KEEP MY HANDS AWAY FROM THE PURITY THAT IS SOAP AND WATER.  GOOD DAY TO YOU.

     He's sleeping now.  In my bed, of course.  White comforter and all.


     

   

   

Valentine's Day - Take Two

The rest of the day went something like this:

Starting to feel better

Playing with toy plane = progress

Valentine's Day lunch, courtesy of Dimas and On The Border.  Dimas watches TV.  Ever wears underpants.  Sorry about this one, Ever.

There was a break in Ever's fever and in the weather, so we ventured off to the cemetery.  The fever may have worn off, but the grumpiness was clearly still in effect.

Happy Valentine's Day and due date, baby girl!

The one thing we still need to do is get her permanent grave marker, but I just can not for the life of me decide what to write on it.  This is at the absolute top of my priority list now, as the temporary marker doesn't have much life left.  Sadly, a few new graves have been marked near Holly in "Babyland."

A balloon from each of us.  Ever even mustered up the strength to draw something on his for his baby sister.

"They're going to a place we don't understand" - Dimas

     It was somewhat sadder than I expected it to be - the balloon release.  Still, I'm glad we were able to visit her on such a special day.  She deserves to be celebrated.

     So, that is that.  Her due date has passed.  I was really anxious about the whole thing, but now that it's come and gone, it really wasn't so bad.  In a way, it feels like a weight, however small, has been lifted.  I don't know what else life has in store for me, but I sure am looking forward to it.  Whatever it is, I think I'm ready for it.  And Holly will always be a part of it.

I carry your heart with me

I carry it in my heart

I am never without it...

E.E. Cummings

Change of plans

     Well, we were supposed to visit Holly today to leave her some gifts and do a balloon release, but the day had other plans.

Namely, this:

And, more importantly, this:

     My little guy is sick today and there's just no way I'm going to take him out on this cold, dreary, wintry Tucson Valentine's Day.  Dimas had a surprise family photography session planned, but that's being put by the wayside as well.  Which is a fantastic thing, because I have absolutely nothing to wear, in addition to crazy hair with no styling products, etc.  Great idea, though...we need to get some nice updated photographs.

     But, I still have a few tiny surprises in store to celebrate the day of love, as it were.  It's not much, but there's a little something for everyone.

Happy Valentine's Day, Daddy!

Happy Valentine's Day, Ever! 

Happy Valentine's Day & Happy Due Date, Holly! 

     

     Yes, I have them laid out on the hotel sittery.  No, that's not a real word.  But, I totally bought Dimas an Ipod Nano for no good reason other than I don't know how else to show the man that I love him without buying him electronics.  I had this whole plan of having a Valentine's brunch/lunch thing in our hotel room.  I have heart cookie cutters for it and everything, but, again, this:

     The day just had other plans.  Feel better, baby boy.