Sometimes It's Hard

Every now and then, I'll open up the box of Holly's things just to go through and remember her.  I always enjoy the scent of the little gown and blanket that she wore after she was born.

Today, as I rummaged through the very few and dear memories of my little angel, something happened that I knew was going to happen eventually.

Her gown and blanket no longer smell like her.

It sounds so insignificant when I type it out and read it back to myself, but it was one of the saddest moments of the last few months.  That little gown and blanket would take me back in time to the moment I first held her.  When I hold them, it's like I get to enjoy her all over again.  But now it's just a gown.  Just a blanket.  Just something that once touched her little body but no longer holds a part of her within them.

I'm just sad today.

Too Much Fun...

I used to have a co-worker who would always say/sing "We're having too much fun, too much fun!" (Sarcastically, I might add.  Since we were almost never having too much fun).  He was an unforgettable character, though, and his voice is playing over and over inside my head right now.  Mostly because this whole teaching my son thing is incredibly fun.  I can't believe I didn't start this sooner!  Granted, our kids learn from us and their world every day, but I like having a sort of formal, fun little plan to encourage him along.

Yesterday I introduced the number "1" which he insists on calling "2".  He knows how to count to 20 (most days, anyway) but for some reason only recognizes the "1" when it's drawn as just one straight line (like a lowercase "L").  He's also still calling squares triangles and I feel pretty silly for letting him lose the grasp he had of this stuff in the recent past.  Ah well.  He'll get it at some point.  I should probably mention his age....he's 32 months. :)

I didn't take pictures of the "1" stuff we did.  It really didn't amount to much more than me printing out/showing him the number and sticking it on his learning poster.  We then counted things.  "One fruit loop"  "One cow"  "One fish" "One car" etc.  I showed him how to hold up one finger.  He liked that the best, for some reason.  I also made him a very bland, uncreative counting book out of construction paper, per the LOTW website's instructions.  I'm sure there are many, many moms who would come up with a way to make it look way more fun, but for now it'll do. :)  I drew the number 1 on the first page and had him place one sticker underneath it.  He seemed to enjoy it, and we reviewed it again today.

The best thing about yesterday was our first field trip to a local ranch!  It was definitely a "real ranch" and we saw a bunch of animals.  Yep, cows included. :)  I think he enjoyed chasing the chickens, kicking dirt all over place and the baby goats the best.  One thing I never realized about real ranches and farms is how much poop there is....everywhere.  Lol.  It didn't smell bad and it was hard to even notice it.  Just a fun fact, I guess.  Here are some photos...it was hard to get a good shot with all the movement and activity.  We invited another family and his best friend along.  I think she had the most fun of everyone!

This turkey definitely made turkey sounds for us.  All of the animals made their sounds!

 There were so many beautiful, sweet horses.  Ever apparently thinks horses are the Scariest. Animals. Ever.

 A sweet little (hungry) calf!  There are 2 goats raising this little girl and it was awesome to see.

No tour would be complete without petting a barn cat.

Or a chicken.  J was so brave and touched so many animals!  Ever was less enthusiastic, but did end up petting the chicken.

The pot bellied pig!  Pigs were, by far, J's favorite animal to look at.

Huge pigs!  J wanted to see the "cute little pink" pigs...lol.  One of them is pregnant, so there should be some cute ones in a few months.

Ever's new friend. :)  He stayed here the longest, I think.  He really liked the little goats.  There was a blind cow in there with a "seeing eye goat" that helps her everywhere she goes. :)

COWS!  Who knew they weren't fond of toddlers?  Or people in general?  The bulls here ARE beef cows, though, so I guess I can't blame them.

 My favorite picture...holding his little toy cow while investigating the real ones.

 J playing with Mr. Toy Cow.

Chasing chickens!  Kids are so fun.

On our way home.  He had a blast.  I don't care what he says. =)

That little trip was definitely the highlight of our first week.  Here's what we did on our last "school day" this week:

(Notice the incredibly unimaginative counting book):

It was "Nursery Rhyme Day" so I introduced "Hey Diddle Diddle" while in the car on the way home from lunch.  He seemed to like it well enough, so we watched a few really cute youtube videos of it and then he colored for about 5 whole minutes.  He really hasn't been into art much at all, but I tried to get him to stay on task for a few more minutes than he originally wanted.  We hung his artwork on our poster, watched a few more minutes of Hey Diddle Diddle videos, then did a very, very tiny hands-on activity.  He has a "Moon in My Room" hanging on his bedroom wall, so we got his toy cow and made him "jump over" the moon a few times.  He quickly moved on to his toy cars, but it was still fun.

Then we read his cow books again (multiple times, at his insistence...I LOVE that he's starting to enjoy books), talked about where milk/cheese/etc comes from, reviewed the word "Calf" and that's it!  The end of Week #1.  I'm so proud of my little student!



I have it on good authority that there are free-roaming cows near a not-too-far-away area, so we may take an impromtu trip just to see.  He hasn't napped yet, so he'll probably just fall asleep though. :)

Anyway, that was our week!  Can't wait to see how much he progresses and, most of all, how much he enjoys learning about new things!

School Is In!

Well, not exactly "schooooool."  I found a very fun little curriculum online for ages 2 - 4 here:  http://www.letteroftheweek.com/index.html.  It's a fun little weekly toddler/preschool learning adventure and, best of all, it's FREE!  :)

We're in week 1, and here's what Ever and I are learning all about:

Theme : Cows
Vocabulary Word:  Calf
Shape:  Square
Letter:  A
Number:  1
Nursery Rhyme:  Hey Diddle Diddle

So far, he seems to grasp that cows give us milk and other dairy products.  He can say "calf" if I ask him to, but usually just says "baby" when I point to one and ask him what it is.

The square, though. <Sigh>  He calls them triangles..lol.  He had a pretty good grasp of shapes (and numbers and letters, for that matter) up until a couple of months ago when he just lost all interest in them.  It's probably my fault for not reinforcing what he had learned, but I'm sure he'll get interested again soon enough.  He already knew what the letter "A" was all about, the sound it makes, etc, so I can't complain too much about the shapes. :)

Here's my 2 little activities for today.  Wednesday is when the letter of the week is introduced, so our main focus today has been on "A".  I should mention that I also got these activity suggestions from the above-mentioned site.  While I'd like to become more creative and imaginative, it'll probably be awhile. I did, however, pick up a lot of very cool "Montessori" like things at Goodwill yesterday.  Some of which are pictured below.  (More on my feelings about Montessori at some later point).

Little coloring station:

 Rice for tracing "A" with his finger:

 His little "table of the week":

Learning poster (I suck at posters)  Something new gets added on daily:

 What he did this morning instead of the activities I set out for him:

 Half-hearted, left-handed attempt at coloring:

He did have fun with the rice for all of 2 minutes.  It ended up being a nice fine motor activity, since he had to help me pick up all the rice he inevitably spilled:

We then read a couple of cow books that we checked out from the library, sang Old MacDonald and called it a day.  :)  I think he enjoyed story time at the library this morning (We need to go to that every week) and playing at the park and then at McDonald's far more than "school."  But, I think he's at least learning to have an appreciation for our very moo-y friends.

Currently trying to hunt down someone with a farm so he can see one up close and personal.  I have a lead.....hoping we get to have our first real field trip on Friday! :)

Sigh....Surgery

Well, in typical "Crystal wants to have a baby" fashion, it looks like I will need to have one, possibly two, surgeries in the next month.  Or whenever a particular doctor can fit me in.

A couple of days ago I had my 3rd appointment at my then-RE's office.  After not seeing the doctor for two out of three visits, I decided to give them my notice, so to speak.  Anyway, it went a bit like this:

Nurse 1:  Go ahead and get undressed and have a seat on the table.  He'll be in in just a minute.
Me:  Great.
<5 minutes later>
Nurse 2:  Hiiiii, Crystal.  How are you dooooing today?
Me:  Fine.
Nurse 2:  Well, you have a polyp.
Me:  I know.

The details are way too boring to warrant continuing that narrative, so I won't bother.  Basically, she sits on a chair and looks through my medical record thing while I ask questions as to the size of the polyp (a "small" 20mm [that is in fact not small at all], what the implications are (impeding or preventing implantation aka pregnancy) and what the next step(s) is/are.

The doctor has not been there to a) diagnosis the polyp b) explain the polyp and all of its polyp-y problems or c) tell me he is going to schedule surgery.

That's right.  Surgery.

Which I figured.  I figured they'd want the polyp out.  I want the polyp out.  But he did not even come in to tell me what the surgery would entail, whether he would just perform a polypectomy or a D&C as well, what the risks are or how to prepare.  Also, the nurse told me he'd be performing a laparoscopy as well due to my history of endometriosis.

I've had a lap or two in my day.  Not the worst surgery in the world by a long shot, but it's a lot more invasive than a simple hysteroscopy and polypectomy.  So, two surgeries jumbled into one.  No thanks.

I may have moved forward had he actually desired to keep me informed and speak with me directly so that, together, we could make a decision as to how to move forward.  He did not even come CLOSE to doing this.

If you're in the Tucson area and need a reproductive endocrinologist, I recommend staying away from Dr. Gelety's office.  Everyone's friendly enough.  I even liked Dr. Gelety the one time I spoke with him.  But I am not the kind of patient who likes to be kept in the dark or uninformed about anything, and I felt like that was exactly what this practice was doing.  Maybe it was bad luck or bad timing with my appointments.  Frankly, I don't care.  I won't be going back.

I spoke with my RE from almost 4 years ago, and he got back to me quickly and gave his thoughts on my situation and also recommended a colleague of his in Phoenix.  I have my first consultation next week. :)  Not sure if I'm going forward with one or both surgeries, but I hope to make that decision along with my next doctor/surgeon, and not simply be told it's going to happen by a nurse.

Nothing against nurses!  I love them and if I felt I had any aptitude at sticking people with needles and other things, I might've wanted to be one myself.

On another note, if you or your spousal person happen to be in the Army and happen to be stationed at Ft. Lewis and happen to be dealing with infertility, I can not recommend highly enough the fertility clinic at Madigan Army Medical Center, particularly Dr. Richard O. Burney.  He and his staff are the reason I get to see this (or a version thereof) every single day:



Quite literally...they enabled me to have my sweet son and subsequent angel daughter.  I'm sure God played a big part, too.  I'm fairly certain God put me in Dr. Burney's hands.  He and his team were a Godsend for me.

Anyway, I'm not looking forward to surgery, but it if helps in this whole next ttc chapter, it will be more than worth it.  Onward!

Also, I'm sort of kind of hoping I'm pregnant right now so that I can avoid having things cut and such I'll know for sure in just a few days and I'm hoping I am I hate waiting to poas and if you've spent any time on any ttc forum you know exactly what I'm talking about omg I hope I'm pregnant this cycle that would be awesome!  I'm 6 dpo. :)

Hysterosonogram and other words you wish you'd never heard me say

Well!  March happened.  As did April.  I am the world's worst blogger.

All that aside, happy May!  Technically, it's April 30th at 11:40 pm as I'm typing this, but I figure by the time I'm done writing and editing, it will be approximately....May.

I figured that since this is supposed to be a blog about trying to conceive, I should actually share some of the realities of what that entails.  Surprisingly, I find it hard to write about.  I don't know if it's embarrassment or just the fact that I plain don't like talking about it.  Trying to conceive is, among other things, gross in a lot of ways.

Take the last week, for example.  Here's a rough breakdown:

Monday 4/23/12:  Cycle Day 1.  First R.E. (Reproductive Endocrinologist aka Infertility Specialist) appointment.  Had a transvaginal ultrasound done (yes, that's exactly what it sounds like).  Dr. saw some "funky spots" while looking at my uterine lining.  Also had blood drawn from my right arm for a progesterone test.  Nurse called with progesterone test results and said my levels were fine ("a little low, but nothing to be concerned about") and that I should start my period later that day.  I did...about an hour later, as a matter of fact.  And this is just one of the reasons that I don't like talking about trying to conceive.  The doctor's opinion is that I should start ttc ASAP, due to my history with endometriosis.  This is in direct contrast to the high risk doctor's opinion on waiting until November and telling me to gain 10-15 lbs.  :/

Tuesday 4/24/12:  Cycle Day 2.  Went to the lab for another blood draw.  This time, they were testing my TSH (Thyroid-Stimulating Hormone), FSH (Follicle-Stimulating Hormone) and Prolactin levels.  It was a simple, painless blood draw.  This was the aftermath:

ZOMBIE ARM!!!!!

Never had that happen before.  The consensus among my non-medical professional friends and family is that the phlebotomist went clear through my vein.  This is about a week after the blood draw, for what it's worth.  If my arm falls off, I am suing.  I love you, left arm.

Fast forward to today.

Monday 4/30/12:  Cycle Day 8.  Went for 2nd RE appointment and had a surprise Hysterosonogram performed.  This is not the kind of thing you want sprung on you at the last minute.

A little on Hysterosonograms.  The "procedure" begins with the patient, usually a cowardly female, undressing from the waist down and sitting on a tall table with a sheer, crinkly material as the only barrier between her lady parts and the world at large.  It is impossible to cover both her front and backside without tearing the material to pieces, and she eventually gives up trying.  As a rule, it's no warmer than 45 degrees in the exam room.  Usually, she'll wait in this half-naked, frozen state for at least 20 minutes, presumably for no other reason than to allow her anxieties to surface.  Occasionally, a well-meaning nurse will pop her head in to explain what will happen "soon."  When she asks if the procedure will hurt, the response is always, "No.  Just a little discomfort."

Finally, someone knocks on the door and asks if it's okay to come in, which I found kind of funny considering the time lapse between undressing and someone actually coming in to do the procedure.  The patient then gets told the doctor will not be performing the procedure, after all. The radiologist will. Great.  Nothing against radiologists, but this does get somewhat awkward later on.

So, the patient is told to lie back and put the feet in the ol' stirrups, which are cold, hard and metal. At this point, the patient always realizes the thin, crunchy sheet is for her benefit, not the doctor's.  I would not want to see what was going on down there.

Then the procedure begins.  It feels like a pap smear on steroids.  Or two pap smears that got mixed up and jumbled into one confusing....something.  And adding a transvaginal ultrasound to the whole thing.

And then the saline solution is injected into the patient's uterus.  Did I mention this part?  Precisely two minutes after being comfortingly being told, "This is the worst you'll feel," (I'm assuming that was when the catheter was inserted into the cervix) the nurse gives the patient what amounts to the equivalent of a reverse period.

No, nurse.  THIS is the worst I'll feel.

The patient's uterus then cramps up in a futile effort to eject the foreign substance, to no avail.  It feels more than uncomfortable.  It feels like the sum of the patient's worst period cramps condensed into about a minute or two.  The the vaginal ultrasound probe is inserted and the radiologist fumbles to both perform the ultrasound and take pictures of the findings, all while hearing the patient complain that this kind of sucks.  Thankfully, it doesn't last long.

And that about sums up the hysterosonogram.  I'm pretty sure they also took a sample of either the uterine lining or the cervix, but they didn't mention what they were up to.  And after all the stuff that was just jammed in there, it didn't really hurt if they did take a sample.

I also got told that all my other levels were great....so that's awesome.  My TSH was 1.75, prolactin was 11 and FSH was 9.1.  I was concerned about the FSH due to a dumb at-home test I took last month, which was the whole basis for the original RE appointment.

On the other hand, during the HSG a polyp was found in my uterus.  So, at least in my lovely experience, trying to conceive also involves talking about polyps.

Gross.