Obligatory Leap Year Post

Happy leap year, internets!

This is about how we've been feeling around here:

"Please....make....it.....stop"


Ever came down with strep throat.  (Shakes fist angrily at Tucson, particularly that educational, germ filled institution that is the Children's Museum.  Squints eyes..."And I thought you could be TRUSTED.")  I can not make this paragraph be anything other than centered because I am horrible at blogging.

I ended up all sinus-infectioned up and Dimas isn't doing much better.  We should just board the place up and never allow anyone over again.  The germs have won.  The fight is over.

I also made this delightful pillow, and I'm somewhat proud of myself.  It's the first thing I've ever done on a sewing machine.

It's probably not feeling too great, either.

Ever's doing great on his antibiotics and the strep part is gone.  Now we just have to get him to eat and just generally be compatible with life again.

Oh, forget it.  I'm just going to center everything from now on.  It's more poetic, anyway.

I write in the middle of the page
in the center, even
it makes me look like
I have something eloquent to say

I seriously am not winning this battle...
AHHHHHHHHH!

Alright, well my nose is leaking its lovely contents and it's all getting a little too gross for my comfort.  I think we'll survive.  The cats are, of course, feeling fantastic and have no problem shoving it in our faces with their playful cuteness and normal appetites.

On the trying to conceive front - not much to report except a big ol' not pregnant...of course not...why would I be pregnant.  Nope.  Not even a little bit.  Thanks for asking.  I think I'm going to work on my already-looks-8-weeks-pregnant-but-is-really-just-full-of-bloat-and-laziness belly next month.  That way, when I do get pregnant, I can actually take some cute early pregnancy profile shots.  Instead of all, "well, here's my 4 week belly picture but no, no this isn't the baby i just ate way too many ding dongs last week and haven't done a sit-up in 2 years."

Oh right, my nose.  I must tend to it.  Have a great extra day!

Goodbye, Tucson. For Now...

     Ever and I are back home (again) from Tucson.  There was a lot of back and forth for awhile there, but we're both happy to be home.  Ever's curled up on the couch after his bath, holding his Dry-Dry (security blanket....very Linus from Peanuts looking thing).  I'll have to make a post about that thing someday.  It definitely has personality.

     Some highlights of the last few days, because I like writing into nothingness to no one in particular:

Got Holly's grave marker all ordered and paid-for-like!  I stayed up until 1am designing one, and when I went to the cemetery the next morning they were all...."Ummmm......sooooo.....here's this book with pre-made designs that....ummmmm....you have to choose from.  Did I say 'have to'?  Ha ha ha, silly me, I meant 'can,' but, ummmmm........just choose from the book, k thanks."  Even doing that took 2 hours and cost $700.  Tax refunds are helpful for these things, says the typical American family.  I don't.  I say, "why does a piece of rock with some words have to cost so much?"  A smaaall piece of rock.  Maybe someone can enlighten me on that one.  It wasn't everything I would've hoped for, but I think it will be okay.

     Hmmm...Ever is convinced that this here red crayon is blue.....color blind much??  Normal mother fears, I'm sure.

    We also went to the Children's Museum, where Ever did not want to have any pictures taken and barely managed a smile the entire time we were there.  Still, I took pictures and think he had an okay time:

     Oh, crap.  THOSE pictures are on my phone.  Which has limited ability to do anything cool, like upload pictures to anything, especially to a blog.  And I have no idea where my small-s-card-holder-that-can-actually-fit-my-phone's-tiny-card-into-my-computer-thing is.

     Here's a rug that I'm making out of t-shirts, instead:

     That is officially all I have for the moment.  I will probably never finish that rug, either.

There's This One Thing

     It's called fear.  Not just regular old fear, either.  ANXIETY.  I have it.  And I hate it.

     Anxiety usually shows itself to me in the form of fear of driving.  Namely, fear of driving really, ungodly fast on highways where there are no exits for like 10 miles straight and nowhere to pull off andOHMYGODTHERECOULDBEBRIDGESOR <quick breath>TUNNELSICAN'TDOOOOTHIS!

     Also known as, "Oh, hell no.  I am not driving."  It's actually somewhat debilitating and pretty embarrassing, but that's my brain for you.

     My brain:  Yeah, it's just, you know, I can only work with what I'm given.  *Sips her coffee*


     So, today Ever was feeling particularly cranky in the Tucson hotel and just wanted to come home.  (Turns out his fever, which is now gone, has given way to a pretty gnarly case of diarrhea.  More on that later).  I have not driven alone on a highway for a few months, and the last time I totally had a panic attack.  Started sweating, heart pounding, the whole deal.  I made it home, but I vowed to never do THAT again.

     But, there's this child who changes my plans from time to time.  I knew Ever had to come home and that I had to be the one to bring him.  Dimas has all these work-related things to attend to.  Like work, for instance.  So, I put on my big-girl pants (which today happened to be size 4 skinny jeans) and drove us home.

     I'm really not ashamed to admit that I prayed.  I prayed to get Ever home safely.  I prayed for peace, comfort and strength.  I imagined these cool, determined guardian angels surrounding the mini-van.  I even turned the radio to a christian station, for good measure.  And....I don't know how else to explain it other than to say that it friggin' WORKED.  I felt calm and happy and at peace and light as a feather and I could've driven on forever.  I drove like 65 the entire way and I'm sure everyone commented about how much I completely suuuuuck at driving and should really just stay home.  But, in the end, Ever is home safely and I managed to make it happen and I'm stupidly proud of myself.  And thankful.  Definitely that.

     But, there are gross things afoot now.  You go and get yourself a potty-trained toddler and then their intestines decide they want to expel everything, like, ASAP...NOW.  NO, I CAN NOT HOLD IT AND NO I DEFINITELY AM NOT GOING TO SIT ON THE POTTY TO DO THIS HERE THING.  ALSO, I WILL TOUCH WHATEVER HAPPENS TO COME OUT FOR GOOD MEASURE.  HAND-WASHING IS, duh, OBVIOUSLY REVOLTING AND I WILL FIGHT YOU TOOTH AND NAIL, WOMAN, TO KEEP MY HANDS AWAY FROM THE PURITY THAT IS SOAP AND WATER.  GOOD DAY TO YOU.

     He's sleeping now.  In my bed, of course.  White comforter and all.


     

   

   

Valentine's Day - Take Two

The rest of the day went something like this:

Starting to feel better

Playing with toy plane = progress

Valentine's Day lunch, courtesy of Dimas and On The Border.  Dimas watches TV.  Ever wears underpants.  Sorry about this one, Ever.

There was a break in Ever's fever and in the weather, so we ventured off to the cemetery.  The fever may have worn off, but the grumpiness was clearly still in effect.

Happy Valentine's Day and due date, baby girl!

The one thing we still need to do is get her permanent grave marker, but I just can not for the life of me decide what to write on it.  This is at the absolute top of my priority list now, as the temporary marker doesn't have much life left.  Sadly, a few new graves have been marked near Holly in "Babyland."

A balloon from each of us.  Ever even mustered up the strength to draw something on his for his baby sister.

"They're going to a place we don't understand" - Dimas

     It was somewhat sadder than I expected it to be - the balloon release.  Still, I'm glad we were able to visit her on such a special day.  She deserves to be celebrated.

     So, that is that.  Her due date has passed.  I was really anxious about the whole thing, but now that it's come and gone, it really wasn't so bad.  In a way, it feels like a weight, however small, has been lifted.  I don't know what else life has in store for me, but I sure am looking forward to it.  Whatever it is, I think I'm ready for it.  And Holly will always be a part of it.

I carry your heart with me

I carry it in my heart

I am never without it...

E.E. Cummings

Change of plans

     Well, we were supposed to visit Holly today to leave her some gifts and do a balloon release, but the day had other plans.

Namely, this:

And, more importantly, this:

     My little guy is sick today and there's just no way I'm going to take him out on this cold, dreary, wintry Tucson Valentine's Day.  Dimas had a surprise family photography session planned, but that's being put by the wayside as well.  Which is a fantastic thing, because I have absolutely nothing to wear, in addition to crazy hair with no styling products, etc.  Great idea, though...we need to get some nice updated photographs.

     But, I still have a few tiny surprises in store to celebrate the day of love, as it were.  It's not much, but there's a little something for everyone.

Happy Valentine's Day, Daddy!

Happy Valentine's Day, Ever! 

Happy Valentine's Day & Happy Due Date, Holly! 

     

     Yes, I have them laid out on the hotel sittery.  No, that's not a real word.  But, I totally bought Dimas an Ipod Nano for no good reason other than I don't know how else to show the man that I love him without buying him electronics.  I had this whole plan of having a Valentine's brunch/lunch thing in our hotel room.  I have heart cookie cutters for it and everything, but, again, this:

     The day just had other plans.  Feel better, baby boy.

A letter to my stillborn daughter

Dear Holly,

     It's Valentine's Day - your due date.  I knew this day would come, but I still feel completely unprepared for it.  You should be here by now.  I should be cradling you in my arms, nursing you, burping you, watching you sleep, and getting very little sleep myself.  Terrified, exhausted and completely in love all over again.

     I don't know what to say, except that I'm so sad that you're not here.  I miss you.  I miss what should have been.  I miss what was.  I will always miss you.  I don't know if I will ever be the same again, without you.

     I've relived your death and birth and the events leading up to it over and over and over again in my mind.  I've tried to change things.  I've tried to bring you back.  Even in my thoughts, I can't.  I'm so sorry, my sweet baby girl.  You were such a fighter.  They told me I should've miscarried you - that babies in your situation are almost always miscarried by 16 weeks.  But not you.  You were strong.  You hung on through so much.  I'm so sorry you had to fight for so long, only to have me give up on you in the end.  I wish I would've fought harder for you.  I hope you can forgive me.

     Your big brother painted a picture for you yesterday.  He's so sweet....he still calls you his baby sister and says "night night" to you most nights, when he's not in a particularly ornery mood.  He has a small picture of your hands, and has folded it and creased it so much from holding onto it so tightly.  It's "Ever's picture," as he calls it.  I'm not sure if he knows what love is, but I know he loves you very much, in his own two year old way.

     Oh, Holly, I don't know what happens after this life, but I do know that if heaven is in fact a physical place, there must be a very special place inside of it reserved for angels like you.  I don't know whether I'll ever get to see you again, but I have thoughts of holding your hand someday - looking down at our matching bracelets and smiling as if none of this ever mattered.  I've tried to dream about you...about meeting you...about who you are and who you were and who you would've been.  But, as is almost always the case with things like this, you are the only person that doesn't inhabit my dreams.  I know it will happen someday...

     I know how silly it is, but with your due date passing, I feel like I am again saying goodbye to you in a whole new way.  I feel like this goodbye is more final somehow.  Like I'm leaving you behind....leaving my would-have-been pregnant self behind and moving on to a different part of my life.  I guess it has to happen, but it's so hard to let go.

     To add salt to the wound, it just so happens that I know of a few other women who are giving birth within a week of when you should've been born.  I'm not bitter towards them...I really am happy for them, but it does make me feel like I've failed you even more.  It's really hard to explain.  It just makes me feel that this is all some big lesson, except I have no idea what I'm supposed to learn from any of it.  I just don't understand what others did right that I did so wrong.  Am I being punished?  Would I not have been a good enough mother to you?   Am I not a good enough mother to Ever?  There are so many questions that I will never have the answers to.

     I hope and pray that, wherever...whenever...you are, that you are okay.  No baby should ever have to struggle the way that you did.  I could see it on your face when you were born.  I feel so bad for having to put you through that.  You deserve rest now....you deserve only the best that God has to offer.  I can only hope I'm worthy of the same so that I can see you again someday.  Wherever you are, know that you have a mommy here on Earth who loves and misses you so very much.

You will always be my perfect little Valentine.

All of my love,
Mommy

Tori Amos - 1,000 Oceans

"These tears I cry
I've cried 1,000 oceans
and if it seems I'm floating in the darkness, well,


I can't believe that I would keep
keep you from flying
and I would cry 1,000 more
if that's what it takes
to sail you home


I'm aware what the rules are
but you know that I will run
you know that I will follow you
over silbury hill
through the solar fields
you know that I will follow you


And if I find you
will you still remember
playing at the trains
or does this little blue ball
just fade away?

Oh, I can't believe

that I would keep

keep you from flying

so I would cry 1,000 more

if that's what it takes to Sail you home" 

     

     

Tucson!!!!

We are here!  I'm not really as excited as I seem, but it's a nice little break.  There are stores and things of that nature here, and it should be a fun week. Or at least an okay one.  I meant to take a random picture to post, but got too busy with the strolling and eating of stuff.

Despicable Me is on in the other room......sounds like something I want to see!

Oh, Ever.

So, this is the reason that I find myself waking up every morning:

He also wears funny hats sometimes, and just generally makes me smile.  Today we played "Ring Around the Rosy" for the first time.....he laughed so hard.

He makes me want to be a better person every single day.  I get very emotional at the thought of him growing up and becoming a man someday.  He's just so freaking delightful!  I love age 2, even with all the "no"s and slight tantrum throwing and inability to eat anything other than cheese and chocolate milk.  (I am really not a good mom).

Having a child definitely made losing one a lot easier on me.  No, I wasn't able to grieve as hard and as long as I would've liked.  Yes, because of him I know what I'm missing with Holly.  But he's given me so many laughs, smiles, hugs and kisses and it somehow dulls the ache a bit.  I wouldn't have changed a thing.

I mean, look at him:

The Kitten Cats

I almost lost my Marbles yesterday!

Marbles ----->

That is a much-skinnier version of her current self.  There's just much more of her to love nowadays.

But, yeah, she is not exactly the street-smart variety of cat.  She's indoor-only, which is a very good thing.  Except for when she escapes.  Or, rather, escaped.  Once.  Yesterday.  During the Super Bowl.

The Giants won, by the way.  Don't know if anyone knows that.  Madonna happened.  I guess another, less famous/less attractive singer threw the bird at America.  Kind of rude, I suppose.  But I'm over it.  Moved on.  That is what I got from the Super Bowl.

ANYWAY.

We had friends over and, if you know Marbles, which you never will, she does NOT come out of hiding when any other person in the world is at our house.  She's the scardiest of the scared, the poor thing.  So, I saw absolutely nothing wrong with leaving the back door open while the kids played outside.

Poor, stupid me.

Right around 9:30pm, oh about......5 hours after said door had been left open, I realized Marbles was MIA.  We did the calling, shaking the bag of food thing...nada.  Yuna was sure there, though.  And expecting food.

Yuna -->

I realize how absolutely stupidly confusing that picture is.  I can assure you that is, in fact, Yuna.  Pay no mind to the big, cute letters that state otherwise.  No time to explain how that came about.  This is Yuna and she loves everyone.  Especially people who hate cats.

So, in total darkness since our back porch light went out a few days ago and I am super-lazy about lightbulb replacement, we called outside.  In vain, of course.  Dimas shrugged and said, "Well, she's gone."  I cursed at myself rather loudly.  Because I'm a great mother like that.

I was determined to find that cat.  I knew that even if she made it through the night, the ridiculously large crows would eat her for breakfast.  Or at least peck her until she had a cat heart attack.  I would not let that happen.  I put on my husband's jacket and some dressy shoes...nearest available...and grabbed a flashlight.  I thought to myself, "Well, I know she's a terrible jumper, so there's no way she made it over these walls."

Yes, my backyard has walls.  I actually really like it.

So, I go all "here kitty kitty kitty" around the shed when I see some movement by the back wall.  Eureka!  She was hiding underneath a bush all along.  She is ultra-scared of me and my flashlight, so it takes some coaxing to get her close enough to grab.

When I bring her in, she acts like she has no idea where she is.  *Shakes head sadly*.  She ate vigorously and then ran to the litter box.  The poor thing probably didn't even realize she could do her business outside and held it throughout the entire ordeal.

Sigh.  Cats are the weirdest.

How NOT To Get Pregnant

Sometimes I forget that having another baby is not a decision I can make alone.  There's this other person that sort of has a say in these kinds of things.

Me:  Let's try to make a baby this month!
Him:  How about we don't and say we did?
Me:  Huh?  No?  But why not?
Him:  Because you're not ready.  Duh.
Me:  But of course I am!  Don't you see this wistful look in my eyes?
Him:  .....
Me:  Plus, Ever would make a fine big brother!  Don't you think Ever would make a fine big brother?
Him:  Half-hearted "yeah."  Clearly not buying into my "do it for Ever" argument.
Me:  Bah!  I will leave and go take a shower now.

*20 minutes later*  Or 30 or whatever.  I likes me my showers.

Me:  So.....
Him:  So?
Me:  Why not?
Him:  Annoyed.
Me:  .....
Him:  Because I'm not ready.

Oh.........

Well that changes things.

Craft Night

Or, "Wait, Where Am I?  It's Dark and I'm Confused.  Why Can't I See the Mountains??  My GPS Doesn't Even Know There's a Road Here and OMG I Hate Craft Night!!!!"

*I don't hate craft night.

BUT, I do hate relying on my GPS to get anywhere.  Long story short, I got lost on my way to craft night.  Then my phone died, so I was unable to call for directions.  Why do army bases have to be laid out like this:

*Actual map of Ft. Huachuca
Red = Main Army road
Blue = Round-abouts
Purple = My attempt to find craft night















Seriously?  How does one road end up going all kinds of different directions, starting and ending randomly?  And WHAT IS THE POINT OF THE ROUNDABOUTS????!!!  I've never seen more than 2 cars at any given time, and they're all going 15 mph.  At one point, I was sure I was going to end up stuck in a ditch somewhere, naked, cold and alone.  And I was almost out of gas!

I gave up and somehow found the way off of base and came home after getting to near tears trying to find a street I was sure didn't exist.  My wonderful, very nice friend who invited me actually got to the place, turned around, and came to pick me up.

No, I wasn't proud of myself.  And yes, the street exists.  Just off of one of the round-a-bouts, as a matter of fact.

As it turned out, craft night was actually pretty delightful.  See?

I even got some contraband cookies, which was a pleasant surprise because I completely forgot about craft night and the 3 dozen cookies I was supposed to make for the cookie exchange.

Having a nice friend is good for the soul.  So is painting wooden blocks.

How to Get Pregnant - Part 2

The male reproductive system, in a nutshell.....Nutshell!

Yes, I could draw a diagram, but I really don't want to.

The male parts are not nearly as mysterious or covert as their female counterparts.  Search Google Images for just about anything with SafeSearch off and you are bound to find male parts a-plenty.

{Tip - Don't search Google Images with SafeSearch off.  Ever.  It's really not healthy.}

So, yes, males have this thing that....uhhh...transforms...when they like someone enough, or are proud of themselves, or buy a new car, or think of buying a new car, or see a car.  Or sometimes a motorcycle, if it's loud enough.  Also hats.

I really don't know what they do with it on a regular basis, but it does come in very handy for baby-making purposes.  {See "inappropriate arrow" in Part 1 of this series for a rough sketch of male anatomy.}

Oh, right!  Sperm!  Men have like an infinite amount of them, which is somewhat on the unfair side, since women are born with all the eggs they will ever have.  All guys have to do is think of sperm and...well, hey, what do you know....more sperm.  All of them are the equivalent of concupiscent teenagers.(http://thesaurus.com/browse/horny).

They reside in two somewhat-symmetrical "hang-outs."  I like to think they take pride in their particular testicle.  West Side Story style?  I wouldn't know....I've never seen it, but what I'm imagining sure is making me smile.

So, that's more or less it.  There may or may not be something called the vans deferens.  No one is really sure.

I'm sure there will be a Part 3 at some point.  I hope this series actually becomes useful.

How to Get Pregnant - Part 1

The female reproductive system, in a nutshell:

Hope that helps!  Stay tuned for Part 2.

2 years later...

and blogging is still really annoying.  Writing about things I love (one of which just kicked my laptop in his sleep) is cool, but deciding on fonts and colors and layouts and profiles and oh my God I forgot how much I suck at html!

But, yeah, hi.  My name is Crystal and I plan to write about things.  Specifically, the above-mentioned belly I'm anticipating at some point.  If I get one, I may have to come up with some other cute blog name, like, "Look, Here It Is," or "Congratulations, Self", or "Apparently, I Am Fat Again."

It's late and I have my very first somewhat-blind play date tomorrow.  Or, rather, Ever does.  I am clever in my friend-making attempts.